Queer Like You, Me and Elton John

I was born in 1967. I have many gay friends that were born in the same era. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. The best because it was the year in which Elvis Presley and Priscilla got married, Elton John and Bernie Taupin started working together as songwriting partners, the Beatles released Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and Pink Floyd released their debut album The Piper at the Gates of Dawn. The worst because France launched their first nuclear submarine, the People's Republic of China shot down United States planes violating its airspace, an Egyptian surface-to-surface missile sinks the Israeli destroyer Eilat and Israel retaliates by bombing Egyptian refineries along the Suez Canal. In short, it was a year like all others, but those of us who were born in that time struggled much more to come out than those who were born 25 years later.

Why am I telling you this? Because I get the impression that gay youngsters today do not understand why the older generation of queers got married and had kids. We did not do it because we were afraid, we did not do it because we wanted revenge, we really did it because we thought it was the right thing to do (With "we" I am merely showing my sympathy, I never took that road). I am writing this as an apology dedicated to the children born in those families that later broke up because mom or dad came out.

Twenty years earlier in 1947 Elton John was born. If you think you understand what it was like for a fag to be born in 1967 then you would be able to imagine what it was like 20 years earlier. Just to jog your memory that was two years after the end of the Second World War in which Jews and queers were killed for being themselves in a "civilized" Europe. Believe me, Little Elton John had no choice and he got married.

In 1976 Elton told the Rolling Stone that everybody was bisexual to a certain degree. When he got married to Renate Blauel 8 years later there were speculation that the marriage was a cover and 4 years later in 1988, after their divorce, Elton came out of the closet.

You have to remember we are talking about Sir Elton John here, somebody with his stature are allowed to have a few screws loose; he is after all an artist and not just any artist. In his career he has sold more than 250 million records, making him one of the most successful artists of all time. With 9 number 1 world hits and more than 50 top 40 hits he is not just another musician. A guy like him can afford to have his own kind of lifestyle and still he only gathered enough guts to come out in the open in 1988 at an age of 41. If it took Elton John, a rich artist (estimated wealth: $265 million), 41 years to come out of the closet you can just imagine how difficult it was for normal folk like you and me.

On 21 December 2005, another 17 years later, Elton married (went in to civil union with) his partner David Furnish, a Canadian filmmaker. They met in 1993 and were together for 12 years. Looking at the life of a gay icon like Elton we see a guy that needed 29 years to admit he had bisexual urges, 41 years to admit he is gay, 43 years to get into a long term gay partnership and 55 years to get married to a man. What a life story! What an example for queers like you and me and yet, what a sad story of a guy that was forced by society to waste 55 years of his life pretending to be someone else. Do not judge before you can do what Elton did; in 1992 he founded the Elton John AIDS Foundation as a charity to fund events for HIV/AIDS prevention, for the elimination of prejudice and discrimination against HIV/AIDS-affected individuals, and for providing services to people living with or at risk of contracting HIV/AIDS. So you could say that he didn't hold back after he came out in 1988; he really went for it and gave it his all.

But what does that have to do with you and me? To me personally it means that no queer's life is easy and I should think twice before I judge another person's journey through life. Can you ever stand in another person's shoes and presume that you know what he/she went through? It reminds me of the movie Good Will Haunting where Robin Williams asked Matt Damon: "do you think I will understand the life of an orphan by reading Oliver Twist? It is easy to judge a life while you are reading a biography in the comfort of your living room, but try living that live where the tires hit the gravel; not that easy any more is it?

So boys and girls think twice before you have anything to say about the life of another. It might be easy to give advice 25 years later, but standing in front of a choice, a fork in the road is never the same, never that easy.

by Dr. Brand Doubell & Dr. Andrew Blade
Andrew Blade & Brand Doubell are founding members and sex-therapists at the Cobra group. Their specialty is gay and lesbian sexology. You could read more of their articles on:

http://www.facebook.com/cobragay

or

http://www.cobrahelping.blogspot.com/

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Interracial Gay Dating in Our Society Today

What is our society's stand on interracial gay couples? Exactly where is the fascination originating from? Is the attraction of gay men toward men of a different race simply an act of defiance? Is it simply wanting to break free from the social norms?

Humankind has already improved considerably. Nowadays, a lot of people around the globe have already tolerated two gay guys in a relationship. There are still a lot of people out there who oppose it and call it an abomination. The important thing is there is support. Our people have hoped for change a long time ago. Change came. A difference is still going to come.

Nowadays, we are allowed to love. Who is to tell that a guy should not be in love with another man but any other man can fall in love with any woman he wants?And who is to tell that guys who are from two different cultures cannot love one another while straight males and females can? Marriage between gay people is now accepted in more areas. Like gender, race does not matter much. A gay man can break norms and pursue a relationship with a man of a different race. He can spread his wings and fly across oceans to search for the one his heart desires, even if he is from many miles away, on the other half of the earth. The days are over when who we like and love is up to society. Now, we are free to listen to our heart. And if our freedom is trampled upon, we can consistently stand by it. Interracial relationships between gay men may always cause commotion but they are left to do just that. We can all hope that someday all of us will reside in a world with no misgiving, regret, embarrassment and animosity.

What is the root of the attraction? The answer is, the attraction should not even be questioned. The attraction among two different races should not be considered as out-of-this-world. It is quite natural to be attracted to our opposites and race should not be not an issue at all. Although, cultural differences can be an issue, we should not give much consideration to the race of the person we like. We are either attracted to a person or we are not. Race is beside the point to people in love.

Attraction between gay men of different ethnic backgrounds is certainly not an act of spite. It is more than longing to be break away from the constricting grips of society. Love is all-embracing. It is so colossal we sometimes do not realize its worth. Love should lead us to the right path because what the eyes cannot see, the heart sees. Our horizons should be limitless.People are into people and the color of the skin and sexual orientation mean very little or nothing at all.

We must accept our dissimilarities and glorify our multiplicity so we can all be unified. We are all children of the Earth. We are all of this world. We draw in the same air. We enjoy the same sun. We may not share the same color of the skin, but we have one human heart that beats inside us all.

http://adultsblogging.com/sex-knows-no-language/

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Gay and Lesbian Dating: Becoming More Emotionally Intelligent

It's become an increasingly understood and accepted idea that mental or cognitive abilities (such as memory and problem solving) are not the only 'intelligences' important to living. While many still focus on intellectual prowess as most important to success and happiness in life, anyone 'on the street' will tell you that there's much more to success and happiness than intellect, or IQ. After all, just because someone aces calculus class or becomes a competent surgeon commanding a high salary, it doesn't always follow that he or she is happy, is liked by his or her patients, or is a great spouse or life partner.

Within the past few decades, a concept called 'emotional' intelligence has emerged as one of those lesser-understood and/or under-appreciated, but important, aspects of intelligence. I suspect that one's level of emotional intelligence is very much related to how successful one becomes at finding and keeping love. At the very least, bringing an emotionally intelligent attitude to one's life and relationships may help improve the quality of one's relationships, including one's ability to choose relationships with a greater capacity for satisfaction and even enhance the longevity of a relationship.

So, just what is emotional intelligence? And, how does it impact your ability to succeed in life, including the ability to find and keep love?

When I literally interpret the phrase, I like to define emotional intelligence as 'balancing one's head and heart' or 'being intelligent about one's reaction to emotions, whether it be your own or others'.

One of those most devoted to the study of emotional intelligence is Daniel Goleman, who has written several books on the subject. Goleman defines one's level of emotional intelligence as based upon performance in four areas:

• Self-awareness - is the ability to read one's emotions and recognize their impact while using gut feelings to guide decisions.

• Self-management - involves controlling one's emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.

• Social awareness - the ability to sense, understand, and react to others' emotions while comprehending social networks.

• Relationship management - ability to inspire, influence, and develop others while managing conflict.

It is the opinion of most experts in the psychological arena that improving one's EI and resilience are vital skills that have become more and more important in today's over-intellectualized, complex, fast-paced, constantly shifting world. While most of us won't face many real saber toothed tigers in our lifetimes, today's 'stresses' are still experienced by us as threats in their own way. And, it is true that for many of today's threats, it's more difficult eluding them or avoiding them. They don't come and go quickly. Many of today's stresses are small but cumulative. The challenge for most of us is taking care of our mind, emotions and actions as they relate to living and loving in today's world.

Our cognitive, emotional and social abilities lie primarily in the brain. The brain's emotional circuitry is quite complex and teaching you the specifics is both tedious and beyond the space of this article. If you are interested in learning more about the brain, it's easy to begin by doing some Internet research and/or taking a class. While researchers know what the various structures of the brain are and they understand function and interconnectedness in the brain and how all of it relates to how we feel, think and act, researchers have only begun to scratch the surface of how to protect the health of the brain, treat conditions affecting the brain, tap the fuller potentials of our brains, etc.

Suffice it to say for our purposes here it's important to consider how to keep your brain healthy. Most health care professionals agree that the brain, like the rest of your body, thrives with a healthy circulatory system. Physical exercise is vitally important, as well as mental stimulation, sleep, relaxation (such as that induced by meditation, massage, sex, laughter, social support, etc.) and a nutritious diet. Mainstream nutritional thinkers are mostly now in agreement that the brain needs higher amounts of certain nutrients than other parts of our bodies do. For example, according to WebMD, "A protein source associated with a great brain boost is fish -- rich in omega 3 fatty acids, essential for brain function and development. These healthy fats have amazing brain power: higher dietary omega 3 fatty acids are linked to lower dementia and stroke risks; slower mental decline; and may play a vital role in enhancing memory, especially as we get older. For brain and heart health, eat two servings of fish weekly."

When it comes to other actions we can take, it's most important to understand that we can improve our emotional intelligence. Goleman states that, while we may be born with a 'baseline' level of EI, we can grow our competency in each of the above four areas.

Please visit oneGoodLove.com GLAM (Gay Love Advice Magazine) for more dating advice and oneGoodLove when you're ready to find love and a lasting relationship.

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Supporting Our Gay Youth

Walking down the hallway back to the Vice Principal's office, again, for another detention I wonder will life ever be any different. Sitting staring at his lips wondering what he and his wife will do on the weekend (wanting to be anywhere else but here), he is delighted to give me another lecture on how thin I am and whether I will eat a candy bar with him. He fears that I have an eating disorder and is trying to trick me into getting fat.

Sitting in my office fifteen years later I feel relief those days are behind me. You could not pay me enough money to go back to high school or be a teenager. As far as Mr. Jones, well, he was right I had a sever eating disorder and I was not about to give in to anyone and eat that candy bar. After all it was the only thing I felt I had control over.

Most days I felt that I lived outside my body and was so very much alone, and it seemed that my father was the only person that could see through me. He would say, "You are different Alex and this world doesn't like those that are unlike them. Try not to be so different because I don't want you to suffer for it. I want you to have a good life."

I would lay in bed crying most nights hating the body I was in and the thoughts that raced through my head. I could not figure out what was different about me, except that every piece of me felt alien. I guess that is what being a teenager is all about.

It was around that time I knew I like girls but was too immature and honestly too tired from malnutrition to care. However, it didn't stop the fantasizing that went on in my head. I remember listen to my Boyz 2 Men album (I know, I am old as dirt!), imagining slow dancing with a woman and kissing her. It was that feeling that put me at ease, the only images that would relax me. I can't believe that now at thirty I am actually living my fantasy that my dream came true and I have my very own perfect love waiting for me at home.

It was not an easy journey. Coming out has been a difficult struggle and continues to be today, especially living in a southern state in the US. In today's society our LGBT youth have so much to overcome. Risks include gender conformity, lack of support, school dropout, family problems, victimization, homelessness, substance use, eating disorders, religious intolerance, negative sexual experiences, and suicide attempts (two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual counterparts).

As recent news over the last couple of years has highlighted, LGBT youth are often bullied at school and unable to receive adequate education. They are shamed and targeted for abuse. They are more likely to skip school out of fear, threats and vandalism directed towards them. Twenty-eight percent of gay students will drop out of school. This is more than three times the national average for heterosexual students. Four out of five gay and lesbian students say they don't know one supportive adult at school.

So here are some things to consider and help you became self-empowered?

Know that being Gay or Lesbian is not a pathological condition (i.e. it is not a mental disease or disability)The origin of sexual orientation is not completely known.Gay and Lesbian individuals lead fulfilling and satisfying lives.They are many ways you can choose to live an LGBTQ life.Unless you have seek counseling to "change" your sexual orientation, a therapist should never coerce you into doing so (it's unethical and you should report them to the board of licensing.)

If you are a teen and living in a home where there is homophobia, here are some more steps you should take and ask yourself:

Is it safe to come out to your parents? SAFETY first, even as tempting as it may be if you think it may place you in danger hold off.Will coming out jeopardize your home situation?Are you safe physically, emotionally, and psychologically if you come out to your parents?Do you have other available resources, such as money and emotional help if coming out changes your home situation?Try and educate your parents on LGBT matters, often discrimination is triggered but ignorance and not understanding the unknown.Get support and find people you can talk too that are safe. Being gay can be a lonely journey, but with the right company can make you stronger and wiser.

The ultimate goal of growing up and developing is finding humanity and breaking down the difference that separate us and isolate others to create a unity and a sense of oneness.

Alex Karydi~The Lesbian Guru

I am an Internationally Certified Drug and Alcohol Counselor that has been trained in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender LGBT related issues. I write for the Examiner.com as their Lesbian Relationship Expert and am a featured writer on SexGenderBody.com. My intention is to start a movement towards a healthier and more supportive community! Where LGBTs can find each other, learn from one another, and build a stronger support system. I, myself, am on a personal quest in discovery for a healthier gay relationship and self-fulfillment.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://thelesbianguru.com/! Are just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

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Coming Out to Your Parents

Science, the church, and even the government have been trying to come up with an explanation on how gays become gays. But for most homosexuals, this state is inborn and they believe that they do not have to adjust anything about themselves since everything that they are has been set. People, specifically straight conservative ones, wonder why gays "multiply by the second". It is their knowledge that gay people cannot in fact "give birth", then why do gay communities grow so fast? And no one can seem to stop this growth. This is happening because more and more gays are now coming out of their closets. Depending on the personality, gay people either rush out of the closet or try to find the 'perfect' time first, considering the people around specially their parents.

There are several questions that gay people consider before coming out to their parents. Like "Will my mom and pop accept the "real" me?" "What would be their reaction?" "Would they disown me?" or "What changes would occur when I come out?" These are just a few of the queries that alarms their thoughts and all of which are difficult to find answers unless they actually do the 'confession'. It might be a normal initial reaction for parents to either get surprised or shocked or even get angry when they hear the admission. Coming out to parents is just the start. And as time passes by, people would recognize how brave a gay person is by admitting their sexuality. These tips are in general and would definitely be a case to case basis. Equipping one's self with the information that the parents would need to hear when coming out of the closet would also be very helpful. But until then, try these tips when you are ready to tell your parents what they really need to know about you.

Tip number 1: Know who you are really close to. Some would say that mothers are more open to this kind of situation. However, it would really be of great help if you open up to which parent you are closer, so as to have a more comfortable talk.

Tip number 2: Make the atmosphere light yet steady. Try not to over introduce your confession. Some become very nervous and they tend to talk way too much until it goes out of hand or it becomes awkward, go straight to the point. Maybe having some wine with the parent (or parents if you are equally close to both) would help ease the tension.

Tip number 3: Do not involve anyone else, like a sibling or a friend. Having someone else with you when coming out to parents will build up stiffness and it might make your parent or parents anticipate more and more until they become anxious. You do not need any other emotions lurking when speaking about your issue.

Tip number 4: Do give them some assurance that being gay is not becoming a different person. It's just relaying your real emotions towards relationships and certain choices.

Tip number 5: If and when you are done with your speech and your parents' reaction is on the negative side, do not try pushing too hard, let them take their time to absorb what you have just said. On the other hand, if their reaction is on a positive note, thanking them is not enough, let them know that you really appreciate that they understand you.

Author: Roger Stewart "Taste My Rainbow."

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Gay Dating Tips - How To Find The Gay Man You Want

Knowing what type of gay man you are looking for and is your type is one of the most important keys to successful and enjoyable gay dating. For example if you are a sports oriented gay guy who loves going to the gym and one of your favorite activities is sitting in front of the TV on Sunday afternoon to watch NFL football then obviously you are not going to be a match with a gay man who loves going to the museum and fine art. There is that old saying about opposites attract so I suppose there's a certain amount of room for leniency and maybe you're not looking for a guy who is exactly like you. These are questions you have to answer first before you go looking.

But knowing what type of relationship you desire as well as the type of gay guy you desire will save you a lot of hassles in the long run in your dating and singles pursuit. Many times people make the mistake of going strictly with their heart when looking for someone. When someone feels right they pursue it. But there's a world of difference between attraction and compatibility and it's important to know the difference. Don't let your heart even start to get involved until your head knows you are with a gay man who is the type of gay man you are looking for and fits the bill. Then when you know there's a pretty good chance of the relationship working out long-term full steam ahead.

The most important thing for all gay singles looking for love is first charge of your own happiness and place less emphasis on finding a relationship to make you whole. For all the gay singles out there hoping to find their next 'gay love', or the gay guys looking for their next date, I wish you a happy and successful gay dating journey and most important enjoy the process.

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'Broken Spirit' In Loving Memory of Dijan Bruttus

As a child I never knew the strength and magnitude of homophobia until I experienced it first hand. When I continued to experience it by being bullied, and called names, I felt that my tormentors were just stupid kids messing around. When I saw my friends, and then my brother Dijan experience homophobia my views and feelings shifted.

My brother Dijan ultimately died due to the ignorance of homophobia.

I have been looking for my brother Dijan for almost a year. I looked everywhere, always coming up empty handed. I got to a point where I just didn't know where else to look or who to ask.

On Monday March 14, 2005, my sister called me crying and screaming that Dijan died back in 2004! My cousins on my mother's side were tracing their history when they found Dijan's name and all of his information listed on Ancestry.com! I was sick. I was shocked, devastated, and absolutely infuriated that my family was not contacted by anyone.

After my mother's death in 1972, most of my siblings were split up. Some of us grew up with my Grandmother Louella. She always told me that I had other brothers and sisters, the family just didn't know where they were. I was reunited with my Dijan in the summer of 1981. I was ten, and he was fifteen. I was in foster care at the time, and he was in a group home. From that point on, we became the best of friends. He became my strength, my confidant, and my source of happiness while away from my Grandmother. He would ride his bike to my foster home everyday after school. I noticed when he was around, no one called me boy or bull dagger. He tried to protect me. He taught me how to fight!

While in foster care I endured all kinds of horrible things that no little girl should have to face. My brother knew something wasn't right. He promised to protect me no matter what, he also promised we would be out of the system and back with our family. He told me not to worry and that people were just jealous because we were different!

Prior to my twelfth birthday, we both were back in the arms of our family! During my adolescent years, Dijan began to open up and talk about the foster home and group home he was in. He showed me burns on his legs, among many scars and wounds. I wasn't surprised. He talked about how his foster parents abused him physically, emotionally, and allowed sexual abuse from other people in the home. He told me, my sister was the only one in the home who called him by his name. He said they named him faggot, punk and sissy! When he would not answer to it, they would punch or slap him.

During my adolescence, I wanted to come out to Dijan. I was scared and nerves. The strange thing is through the years all of my friends knew he was gay. I didn't see it. I would say that's just my brother, that's his personality. When I finally came out to him, he said "Chile Please, I knew when you were little"! After I came out, my life changed for the better! I went everywhere with him, I learned so much about our people and the gay community. I learned the good and the bad! Where ever he went, I was always with him.

Dijan was so sweet, charming and funny. He had a great sense of humor. I can not remember a time when we are not bent over with laughter. He was always writing poetry to me and our mother. He insisted that I pursue my poetry. He said you never know, maybe it will grow into a career! When I lived with my brother in my early nineties, I found out he was talented and creative. He loved taking ordinary clothes and turning them into something amazing and spectacular! I was proud of him!

The flip side of my brother's creative spark is that he was isolated. He was so alone, and surrounded by pain. He was very aggressive and manly, but timid and in fear of what people were going to do or say to him. Dijan was most afraid of what the family thought of him. He said they always made him feel there was something wrong with him or he was not good enough.

Straight people would call Dijan sweet! I saw him targeted over and over again. I remember people teasing him, yelling that he had sugar in his tank. I hated they way people treated him. I always wanted to shield Dijan, so that his emotional and physical wounds would begin to heal. Wounds caused by his caregivers, and a system that was supposed to protect him. I suppose my love was never enough.

The biggest thing I want the world to know about Dijan is that he was a wonderful man. He was a real man. He was loving and compassionate, but ostracized by everything that is supposed to affirm him. The department of children's Social services, our family, the church, the SGL community and society as a whole exiled Dijan. After his boyfriend Jermaine Stewart died from HIV/AIDS in 1997, I noticed a change in him. He was no longer silly or full of laughter. He said he was tired of being called sissy. He said he was tired of being humiliated, outcaste, invisible, voiceless, and unwanted. He said no one loved him, and that he didn't really like himself. It hurt to see him in such pain for so many years. He wouldn't let me in. I insisted that he was not worthless, a sissy or anything that people had imposed upon him, but he couldn't hear me.

The last time I saw Dijan was at a family dinner in December of 2003. At first Dijan absolutely refused to attend. He said he was uncomfortable and tired of hiding himself to make them comfortable. When he finally did show up, he was different. His eyes were different. His eyes looked as if he could no longer hide his agony. I just grabbed him and hugged him a hard as I could. In my last few conversations with him, he said he didn't know how to be anything other than who he was, and the world hated him for it! He said, "I am a man regardless of how I love"! In our last conversations, I realized Dijan's years of constant grief had finally broke his spirit.

To this day there are still a few people in our family who refused to understand why he was in pain or the magnitude of pain. They refuse to look at the fact that they are the catalyst of Dijan's pain, self-hate and isolation. The fact is, the reaction of the family, his schools, churches, and homophobia itself created a climate of fear, isolation, and powerlessness. He felt helpless his entire life. There were so many people who were constantly critical of him, showing him no compassion. I clearly remember people talking about how he homeless and worthless. They said he couldn't keep a job, and that he was probably on drugs. I remember years ago, he was beaten up in West Hollywood. A family friend's response was, well if he wasn't prancing a around like a punk, that wouldn't have happened! I heard so much judgment and condemnation, but no one offered help, encouragement or love.

All my life I have used myself as a tool to educate people concerning the issues of homosexuality, homophobia, and all things that oppress us. I wish I could have saved my beloved brother from whatever took his life. Ultimately Dijan constantly felt a sense of separation. He felt an internalized homophobia. Consciously or unconsciously Dijan felt unworthy, intern allowing the world to determine his destiny. I believe he suffered a spiritual death long before a physical one. Ultimately I don't know what happened to Dijan. However I do know that self sabotage, depression, suicide, HIV/AIDS, alcohol and drug abuse are all completely preventable if the person is shown acceptance, understanding, compassion and love.

Homophobia is a devastating virus that dehumanizes, and exiles people. Victims of homophobia are then cast out by their loved ones, literally thrown away. They result of this is, the exiled person wants and needs to feel loved and wanted. They need to feel human, feel human touch and compassion. Thus comes sexual promiscuity....I need to feel! The flip side is many abuse drugs to eliminate the pain of not being accepted. Drugs are used to feel numb to the anguish caused by living ostracized from those they love.

I had been searching for Dijan for about two years. I found my beloved Angel on May 11, 2006. Dijan died of AIDS on May 25, 2004 alone at Hollywood Presbyterian Hospital. Dijan is why I continue to write and spread the message of prevention, awareness, treatment and the socio-economic circumstances that perpetuate this disease. In all of my efforts to save our people, I could not save my Beloved Brother Dijan. But just maybe by writing this, someone somewhere will get the knowledge and spread it!

It is our responsibility to know who we are, where we've been, and pass that information on to the next generation.

In closing I believe racism and homophobia is the ultimate ignorance. I also believe violence only breeds more violence. Education is our greatest tool to fight ignorance. Homophobia must end. It should not be the norm. It should not be tolerated. Homophobia's venom has destroyed many lives, including the people who experienced it. Any form of homophobia, internalized or not, is a disease that must be healed. Homophobia is the ultimate ignorance that we as a nation must fight together.

Since March14 2005, my family and I have been back and forth to the coroner, the registrar's office, Social Security, and now the Health Department. It has been confirmed through the Social Security death Index, that there is no mix up, or the wrong person. We waited for more than a year to receive his final records or vital statistics from the Health Department. I think one of the most painful aspects of this is we didn't know what happened to my beloved brother. According to people I have spoken with, the vital statistics from the health department will fill in all the blanks. At this point, I want to know where Dijan's remains are so that I can give him a proper burial.

Let us prevent another persons exile and and even death by stopping homophobia in it's tracks.

Azaan Kamau of Azaan Kamau Media
http://www.azaankamau.webs.com/
azaankamau@gmail.com

Please check out my new book Got Homophobia at http://lulu.com/

We must save our youth by any means. Bullying and homophobia should not be tolerated!

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Gay Teen Suicides Can Be Prevented With Help From An LGBT Church Or Support Group

Many of the gay teens are committing suicide now a days even though being gay is not a crime. Some of the major problems face by homosexual teens are feeling unloved, unsupported from their home environment, being isolated from groups, friends and families.

The incidents of suicide cases among gay teens are much more as compared to other cases. Many gay teens are often bullied and isolated by other people - also know as gay bashing. This in turn makes them feel lonely, isolated, desperate, etc. It has been noted that many gay teens with unresolved issues go on the wrong path and come under they prey of excessive alcohol, drugs, and other bad habits due to pressures on them.

In previous times gay teens use to hide their identity but now all of them are coming forward and fighting against all the injustice done to them, after all there is nothing wrong and all of them have the right to live.

How do you know you are homosexual? This is the most common question which is mostly asked by youth who are trying to understand their feelings. Just because you are not attracted to the opposite sex doesn't make you gay. Each and every race on earth has varying times for puberty. Some may gain at a very early stage and for some it may take time. For most gay people they start having crushes on people of their same sex orientation in their youth - it can be anyone, either friend, class mate, etc. and it's not your fault - it's merely sexual characteristics.

Homosexuality is not hereditary according to recent statistics - the ratio of gay men among hetero men is 1:10 so it's quite large in number. Homosexuality is not something to be feared or ashamed of, as no one can truly say the character of a man from his sexuality.

The most important and often asked question by many of gay teens are "How do you talk to your parents about being homosexual?" Talking to your parents about homosexuality is very tough task and it's almost near to impossible.

Most of the times gay youths run away from home in fear that their parents will disown them and some teens who go through with it and talk to parents are often isolated by parents and society. Most of the time there is a fight between parents and child which leads to break their relationship.

Many teens in this situation, after being isolated from family and friends just because of their gender base, try to commit suicide. The suicide cases in gay teens are three times more than hetero teens. My tip for gay teens are that things will change and are now changing slowly and steadily. The world is changing, gay teens were considered taboo in the past but now they are being accepted in each and every field.

Whatever you do, just do not lose hope and consider committing suicide because life is very precious. I know it's very difficult to face your parents but it can be done - just try to look straight forward in their eyes and start the topic about your being gay, firstly they would be astonished but try to convince them that it's not your fault - if they understand you they will accept you. Though it may take some time, it is possible to regain your parents' acceptance and love. You must be strong enough to love them and forgive them in the event that they have difficulties with your sexual orientation (this is a life lesson that will make you very strong as a person).

Another question that is asked often is "Why am I gay?" It's not in your control to be gay and neither is it your own fault according to scientists. High level of secretion of testosterone leads to the development of man while high levels of secretion of estrogen and progesterone leads to developing the brain of woman. The secretion of this hormone during prenatal stage may lead to form homosexual tendencies.

Historically, there were many acts against homosexuality in Christianity and many homosexuals were harassed and sentenced to death. But now times have changed, and now Christianity and Christian churches are accepting gay people and there are many a gay friendly church in Europe and the United States.

One of the cities where there is no discrimination is Johannesburg. There are many homosexual people who are open about their sexuality there. This is one place where gay people live a worry free life. There are many churches dedicated to homosexuality only. It's very important for homosexual people to find a support group of same type of peoples in a LGBT church because no one can live life alone. Everyone needs support, the people in LGBT churches are very friendly and will understand all your problems because all of them know what it's like. There is most likely a LGBT support group near you.

Visit a friendly LGBT Church in Los Angeles. The Good Shepherd Church in Pasadena offers support and assistance to the LGBT community. More than a gay friendly church - it's a church for everyone.

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Castro District San Francisco - The Facts About 18th Street and Castro, the GLBT Community Epicenter

18th Street and Castro Intersection San Francisco, CA 94114

The main intersection in the Castro is 18th Street and Castro Street. From here the Castro District extends in all directions for many blocks. This dynamic San Francisco neighborhood is adorned with rainbow flags to help show support of the gay and lesbian residents while being a symbol for the community.

18th and Castro is also the pulsing heart of the GLBT community, meeting place, and, of course, "the" spot for leisure time gay activities. What used to be the intersection for the gay rights movement, today gives way to community and a feeling of home instigated by its proactive community. On any given day, you can walk this intersection and be a part of history while "Gays" can be seen teaming out of every retail store, bar, and restaurant for blocks.

While the Castro facade has changed many times over the years, what remains the same is its continued importance both symbolically and physically to the San Francisco gay community. The Castro will continue to be "the" spot to meet GLBT people and their friends while being a beacon of diversity and hope for many around the globe. In the Castro individuals are free to be who they are regardless of social "norms," acting as catalyst for change and acceptance worldwide.

From the corners of 18th and Castro, "The Castro" extends in all directions, bordered by Noe Valley, Diamond Heights, Twin Peaks, Upper Haight, Hayes Valley, and the Mission Districts. From this cozy neighborhood corner, you can find bars, shops, restaurants, coffee shops, parks, and great places to people watch.In addition Harvey Milk Plaza celebrating the civil rights and GLBT leader can be found at the intersection of Market and Castro Streets near the F-Streetcar turnaround, must see landmarks when in the Castro.

A visit to 18th and Castro wouldn't be complete without a stop for a burger at Harvey's, (named after our famous civil rights leader and former district supervisor) and a coffee to shake off the food coma from "Bear Bucks," casually termed for the vast amount of what are known as gay hairy men that invade the doorway.

The community has always been known for throwing great parties, so you won't find it unusual that some of the most frequent and best parties happen here. The most notable would be the Pink Party during San Francisco Gay Pride, a festive ritual to celebrate and support continued diversity. On any other weekend, whatever your reason for partying, these corners are a stone's throw from countless watering holes. The most popular and the newest additions include Q bar, Toad Hall, Badlands, The Mix, and The Café. Each of these bars is a diverse delight with one thing in common: heavy handed drinks.

You literally can't miss 18th and Castro when you're visiting our neighborhood. Make sure to stop and take a look around; fully appreciate the history that surrounds you whether you're running errands during the day, bar-hopping at night, or enjoying the countless other activities throughout the Castro.

For additional information about the Castro District San Francisco, its community, nightlife, restaurants events, and connect with other locals please visit the http://www.mycastro.com/ website for the latest and greatest!

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What Makes A Perfect Gay Wedding?

When a couple decides they want to bind their love in the eyes of the law and the rest of the world they choose to get married. It is great that same sex couples can get and they can enjoy all the traditions and trimmings of a typical wedding. However not every gay wedding will be the same and may not always follow the traditions as most weddings.

Most people have thought about what kind of wedding they would like, so have an idea already in mind. If not then you have to get your thinking caps on as how you see things can be quite pivotal to how the rest of the wedding will look and go. If you have idea about how you want the suits to look or where or how the party after wards will go you could work with that and let it influence the rest of the day.

One of the first things you want to do is find the location. This can be tricky making sure they are available. Look around and see if they are suitable to host a gay wedding. Booking the right place gets the ball rolling and sets it in stone giving everyone a date to work with.

The next step would be figuring out how many people you're going to invite to your gay wedding. You want numbers and this is quite important as once you know you can book the right tables and other things. The numbers could also affect the location, you don't want somewhere too big or too small, just right. The invitations are a vital way of finding out the numbers. Some design can go into the invites and depends how much money you have to spend on your big gay wedding they you could make then quite fancy.

The other main thing is to make sure you have someone who is registered to conduct a gay wedding. Of course there are religious things to people get wed so make sure you get a person you want. Once you have someone booked then you have the foundations of any wedding.

Now you have the main building blocks of a gay wedding you can start to put the little bits together. This is where you can really put your own style to proceedings. There is the clothes you need to think about. What are the two lucky men or women going to wear? Do you want things to have a certain look or colour scheme? The transportation needs to be looked at and the cake needs addressing.

The other main thing that is important but not necessary is the dance party after wards. For some this is one of the main focuses of the night and for some the most memorable. Again you will need to find a venue and catering for this. Also music and entertainment for the night. This is when the people can let their hair down and have fun.

These are the basics of a gay weddings and if you follow them you can't go far wrong. The most important thing really is the loving couple and the fact they are getting married, committing to each other and expressing their love.

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Gay Marriages Are Legal But They May Not Be Easy, And LGBT Relationship Counseling May Help

If you've been paying attention to the news, you already know that New York recently approved same-sex marriages for gay couples in the Empire State. Laws were passed and signed that allow gay people in New York to have all the same rights and responsibilities as straight people.

Meanwhile in California, the LGBTQ community are waiting for a decision from the U.S. Supreme Court. The decision was difficult for the state supreme court and is now being settled on a federal level, leaving the homosexual community in the Golden State in limbo for the time being. Hopefully soon Californians will enjoy the same level of freedoms and be able to pursue happy marriages with their partners.

But legalizing marriage is just part of it. Same sex marriage and relationships in the LGBT community are very similar to heterosexual marriage and relationships. As such they should be taken seriously by all those involved. Once we enter marriage, we enter into a contract, which has certain responsibilities.

In times past gays and homosexuals would live with a partner and not be required to bother with marital responsibilities. If one partner got angry or dissatisfied, then they could leave and be out of it with little issue. This is not so within marriage.

This is why it's so important to look into what it takes to make good, lasting relationships. We should consider what it takes to make a relationship work like compromise. What is it like to be in a relationship where you may not always get your own way? Many times people in relationships feel that they are giving 90% and only getting 10%.

These are the issues that the gay community must be concerned with, knowing that relationships take work and are a lot of responsibility. Additionally, it can be even more challenging for the LGBT community because of the discrimination and the negative attitudes held by members of the public. These are things which straight people don't have to worry about. There are also issues with trying to form a family and have children.

Another factor in the LGBTQ community is domestic violence. It does happen in the gay community. The core of all of this is the need and desire to be loved, and out of that there's raw feelings and emotions, and sometimes it leads to domestic violence. Unfortunately, sometimes the victims stay in a bad relationship or bad situation because of an overwhelming need to be loved. They may try to work it though even though it may not be the best option.

That's why it's time for the gay community to get serious about how they treat their partners. It's time to have a public discourse and establish what it means to have a caring and loving, long-lasting relationship. The LGBT community should consider what it means to be in a committed, monogamous relationship and how to make it work for both partners in a healthy way.

Here's to a successful and happy relationship between you and your loving partner.

Visit the friendly Good Shepherd Church in Pasadena. The Good Shepherd Church offers support and assistance to the LGBT community. More than a gay friendly church in Los Angeles- it's a church for everyone.

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Queerness of Identity in the Philippines in Edith Tiempo's The Chambers of the Sea

Each society, community or tribe is unique with its identity. Myriad of factors make up the multifaceted surface and endodermis of a community. Norms, morals, culture, history, economy, hegemony and people, men and women alike push and pull in affecting each other. Often, the people who create and perpetuate the volatile norms, morals, culture and hegemony may emancipate or incarcerate the people who formulate the very same edict. Resistance to it or extrication from it may mean an ostracism or foul name-calling. Anyone who goes against the current becomes a victim of a tyrannical culture. Hence, culture becomes bipolar. It nurtures yet also creates sutures of pain. People are left either to subserviently follow to belong or to excruciatingly fight against to suffer. Or shall we say, a rebelling person in an oppressive culture faces what Helen Cixous calls "castration or decapitation" for not supporting the dominant culture.

One of the most common loathsome social constructions is human identity. Elsewhere in the world, people are divided, labelled, judged and expected according to their anatomy, sex and norm. The issue of male versus female. Each sex is stereotyped according to social expectation. Males are figured to be strong, rational, logical, intelligent, provider, masters, straight, brawny while females are weak, irrational, illogical, moron, receivers, slaves, sexual objects, emotional and even worse, abused, silenced and made evil in different media and literatures.

But what if a person is neither a male nor a female. What if a person opposes all the expected role or identity based from normativity and performativity as dictated by society. Then we imagine the worst. The victim becomes vulnerable of the criticisms of society where he or she is rushly and harshly judged evil, abnormal, odd, impure, immoral or "queer". This is where the writer positions his paper in fully understanding the very colourful, introvert life of Edith Tiempo's controversial character Tio Teban in the short story "The Chambers of the Sea" (Tiempo, 2009).

More often than not, queer is defined as anything that is abnormal, odd, bizarre or anything that defies or questions a dominant culture, norm or behavior. In the Philippines, to be queer is tantamount to being weak, soft, different, strange or even immediate conclusions to being gay or a homosexual.

Many scholars believed that society's notion about sex is deeply inculcated on the minds of the people perpetrated and perpetuated by social institutions such as school, church, family and others. Queer theory challenges this social formulations to understand and tolerate sexual or gender identities beyond the misconstrued-passed-on beliefs on sexual categorization.

The theory and practice of queer criticism is based on interrogating or challenging, debunking the categorization of sex and gender leading to an individual's identity. Identity cannot be fixed and is not fixed. Issues of performativity and normativity in relation to sex and gender, resistance and power relations are also attempted.

In the Philippines, the family, the school and the church are actively participating in creating, categorizing and fixing gender and sexuality. Choice of colors for the children's clothes would mean sexuality. Blue for the boys and pink for the girls. A mismatched of colors would mean malicious interpretations leading to labelling such as gay or lesbian, as if colors and children are synonymous with their sexuality. When they grow, children are told that playing dolls are for girls and soldier toys are for the boys. Boys do not cry, fathers would say to their young boys. Implicitly, they say that only girls cry. And these are transferred from generation to generation. There is always a strong categorization in the Philippines full of do's and don'ts for the boys and girls as they are bound according to social categorization, sexuality and their performativity. Anyone who fails to uphold, anyone who deviates, anyone who does not support the dominant culture of the males is labelled gay or homosexual with Filipino varieties of bakla, bading, badaf, shoke, Darna and other denigrating names.

The story Chambers of the Sea by Edith Tiempo sublty and delicately depicts a man named Teban Ferrer or Tio Teban (Uncle Teban), as addressed by the narrator who grows from Bangan and his diaspora to Dumaguete, whose growing up and eventual maturity is put into a test, interrogation, scrutiny and suspicion based from his sexuality or normativity and performativity. Hence, the haunting question whether Tio Teban is gay, homosexual or queer is focused in the lens of queer theory and analysis.

Tio Teban is in the midst of strong binary opposites where characters are expected according to performativity and heteronormativity. His family from Bangan, with its massive land, on the left force and his newfound family with his cousin in Dumaguete on the right. His family consists of strong males: his father who hates Tio Teban's womanish behaviour, Antero, his brother-in-law who physically tills the land of the entire family and his sister Quirina who wants him to continue his father's legacy of the land. The social expectation of Tio Teban's family is high based from his supposed performance as male and heterosexuality.

In Dumaguete, with its boundless sea, Tio Teban has more solace with the softer, weaker environment. His cousin Amalia is a typical housewife who performs social role according to her sexuality, a mother to four children. More often than not, Amalia's roles are extended to Tio Teban when the former runs for family errands. His wife's husband is a passive male who never questions his behaviour for he exhibits a quiet male who provides.

Amalia's honest-to-goodness rowdy children interrogate and criticize Tio Teban's different behaviour. Their ill-humoured laughter is like Tio Teban's immediate family who harshly condemns his queerness. Because he does not perform and he is against the norm of a typical male, as expected he was minuscule to a weak, sluggish and odd guy. Mentally, they are lashing him out for his queerness. His father, who is supposed to understand him for who he is, is the first to ostracize him. His judgement is based from Tio Teban's "womanish disposition" and could not forgive his only son for turning out to be so like him in looks but quite unlike him in his ways (p. 103). Tio Teban's father has contempt on his inclination to cultivating a rose garden, drawing and painting using watercolours, his strolling in the countryside, his perpetual reading of literatures, his stature and squinting in his eyes. All these are beyond his father's acceptance.

But above all these artefacts, do we see him retaliate against his family even if they offend, hate and even denounce him for being different for failing to "satisfy their selfish desire" of wanting him to be that he is not. He felt violated and exposed. From a dilemma between "fight or flight", he chooses a quiet, resolute decision of leaving his family in the pursuit of graduate studies in Dumaguete where he successfully finished a Master's degree in Political Science. It can be gleaned from a psychological point of view that he displaced his silent rebellion against his family into scholastic pursuit where his family could not reach him in the mental and intellectual plane. He chooses his battle with an intellectual elegance against the rough furrows of the land. His identity, though different, abnormal and queer from the judgement of his family and the children of Amalia, Tio Teban is happy with himself. His identity for himself is not an issue, not a question, not a problem but rather a choice. His stature only becomes beleaguered when people once again interrogate and gauge him according to his sex and role. In this text, Tio Teban becomes a role model of a positivist existentialist who finds happiness in the midst of people's too much preoccupation of his identity. He chooses as he pleases without personal qualms. He has no identity crisis in contrast with the popular notion. Their notion is also affected, influenced and enveloped as well by socially constructed formulated criticisms against not-so-typical male like Tio Teban. The question on what he is doing in his room in Dumaguete is more of a personal introspection in terms of economics. He, with an MA degree, remains docile in his cousin's house. He is again forced by society to work according to his heterosexuality. The choice is his.

Suspicion of his identity versus his personal choice as opposed to the social expectation and labelling of his besmirched gender identity is subjected to a test ending in a crystal clear dramatic close of the story. He received a letter on the demise of his father. Tio Teban became a persona with two faces as he runs to the sea. He summons his grief yet finds happiness on thinking on the death of a father who is greatly prejudiced against him. Without his father, there is more of himself, liberty. The hegemony of power wielded and created by his family only oppresses him. Thus, with his father's death there is more personal emancipation from the obtrusive family and social expectation rather than lamentation. The queer becomes clear. He rejoices on his true self. He is neither a man nor a woman; neither a mythical merman nor a mermaid but a person. He is happy of what he is without a label. His queerness, from the people's perception, is only a myth. All the world is a stage, and people have different roles to play. A man needs to be happy whether with a minor or a major role in this vast world of identities only constructed by men and women. As the narrator clinches it "At least Tio Teban knew one thing for himself as he turned and walked rapidly away." Tio Teban is "He is what he is" a hierros gamos, a union of male and a female; not gay neither homosexual but a person with an appointed corner in the sky, with a niche in the land and has his own "chamber in the sea"... 

REFERENCES:

Con Davis, Robert and Ronald Scheliefer. (1989). Contemporary Literary Theory: Literature and Cultural Studies. New York: Longman, Inc. 

Tiempo, Edith (2009). "The Chambers of the Sea". Montage: Anthology in Philippine Literature in English Manila: PNU Press.

Assistant Professor
Department of Humanities
Consevatory of Music
University of Sto. Tomas (UST)
Manila, Philippines

PhD in Literature (in progress)
Philippine Normal University (PNU)
Manila, Philippines

Municipal Councilor
Famy, Laguna
Philippines

willy_valois@yahoo.com

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Arguments in Favor of Gay Adoption

No matter how you try to approach the subject, anything involving same-sex marriage and/or adoption of children by gay/lesbian parents is certain to ignite a lively debate. Whether you favor or disapprove of changes in federal and state laws to allow homosexuals to marry, allowing a single or couple to adopt a child is a different matter. Some will maintain a family should consist of male and female parents, though over the decades society has seen a variety of non-traditional families raise children. If you have wondered what advantages a child has being raised by two men or two women, here are some points to consider.

1) Any person, regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation, will endure the same screening procedures before entering the adoption process and as such receive approval based on their ability to support a child. One can therefore not assume that any gay or lesbian prospective parent is involved in a "party" lifestyle - indeed, the propensity toward partying and promiscuity is not limited to sexual preference. One should note, too, that same-sex couples are capable of stable, lasting relationships and creating an environment in which a child would thrive.

2) Gay couples in particular offer the advantage of two authority figures in the home. While single prospective parents are eligible to adopt in many areas, there are challenges presented in terms of raising and disciplining a child. A committed partnership brings two adults into the picture to share the parenting responsibilities.

3) Allowing same-sex couples to adopt increases the likelihood of placement of special needs children into good homes. This is not to say heterosexual couples would not consider adopting an older child or a disabled child, but casting a wider net can bring in more hopeful parents willing to look at all the options.

4) In some states it is illegal to discriminate against homosexuals or GLBT couples wishing to adopt. Presently about twenty states in the Union and all of Canada have made it legal where North America is concerned.

Those who argue that a child who is able to find love and stability in a good home will likely not be affected by the orientation of his or her parents. At the end of the day, gay parents - like heterosexual parents - hold down jobs and help with homework, ferry children to piano and soccer practices, and love their children. Those unable to conceive naturally should have the opportunity to adopt.

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How to Keep Your Lesbian Dating and Lesbian Lifestyle More Private

Lesbian dating is much more accepted today than it ever was and the giant number of lesbian dating and lesbian singles sites online verifies that. Today lesbian dating and lesbian dating sites are just as mainstream as other singles websites.

There is still plenty of desire on a greater part of the lesbian community to maintain privacy regarding their lifestyle for a variety of reasons including professional. After all if you are a manager of a large corporation and somebody important was to see you in public kissing another woman what impact that may have on your career?

A greater number of lesbian women however prefer to keep it private merely because they have not fully embraced and accepted that lifestyle themselves so it is more of a self-esteem issue than anything else.

The first tip to keeping your lesbian dating and lifestyle more private - meet lesbian singles at dating websites online. This way the only people who know about your meeting other singles are the other people on the dating site and whoever you choose to reveal to. I suppose in this example the only way your lifestyle can become exposed is if there is somebody who is a member of the lesbian dating website that you are and it is somebody that you know. There are many fine high-quality lesbian dating websites today one that stands out in the front of my mind being LDate with memberships starting at around $29 for one month.

The second tip to keep your lesbian singles and lifestyle more private - when you actually go out on dates with your lesbian lady friends arrange dates to places out of town. This affords you a much lower risk of being seen by somebody that you know. The added benefit to this is visiting locations, restaurants, etc., that maybe you would have never visited before.

A third tip to keep your lesbian lifestyle private and to yourself - first, regarding your feelings and need to keep your lifestyle private, don't hide this from your lady partner. There is nothing wrong with you feeling this way and she should know about it. You may be surprised to find that when the day comes that one of your lady dates becomes more than just a date and somebody who is truly special that you will find your need for privacy regarding your lesbian lifestyle vanishes as you realize your feelings for your new found love are vastly more important than the public's opinion of your lifestyle.

I personally have several friends in the same situation with their need and desire to maintain privacy regarding their lesbian lifestyle and when they met somebody special that fear disappeared and they just didn't care what anybody thought anymore.

Click Here if you wish to not spend any money initially there are free lesbian dating sites that don't ever require you to pull out your credit card, Pride Free Lesbian Dating is devoted to lesbian and gay dating and is 100% free.

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The Benefits Of Gay Chat Lines

Thanks to modern technology, it has never been easier for homosexuals within the UK to meet new friends and acquaintances. Within the past few years, society has become less obtuse in regards to the social and personal lives of gay people, welcoming a wider range of dating services that cater specifically for the needs of young gay people. If you are single within the UK and are looking to meet a new potential mate, then registering with a gay chat line could be ideal for you.

Gay chat lines and online dating sites have become increasingly popular of late, providing single guys with a number of ways in which to meet new people. The main benefit of utilizing gay chat lines and sites is that you can meet hundreds of singles from across the country-not just from your local area. Not only can you increase your chances of meeting a new mate, but you can also make a number of new friends along the way. It can become increasingly tiresome relying on traditional methods of meeting new people, such as scoping out the local bars and if you fear rejection, this can cause you to shy away from attempting to strike up a conversation with someone you like in a face-to-face manner.

The beauty of gay chat lines is that you can be connected to all sorts of people who suit your set requirements. So, if you're looking for friendship, causal dating, a long term relationship, something more explicit or you simply wish to test the waters of gay chat lines; you are guaranteed to find someone who is looking for the same thing as you. Gay chat lines are just another aspect of dating and communication that have stemmed from modern technology. By combining the use of the web with your mobile or landline, you can chat and ultimately, meet hundreds of new men from the comfort of your own home. Gone is the worry of your appearance, what to wear and how to act as you can relax and chat away. In the event the conversation isn't going how you would like, you can simply end the conversation and search for a new potential connection. By browsing through the listings of members for your chosen gay chat line, you can get a grasp of each member's likes, dislikes, requirements and you may even get to catch a glimpse of what they look like! If you are looking to date or start a relationship, this can help you save valuable time and get you right back on that dating horse in quick speed!

In today's sometimes fickle world of dating, turning to gay chat lines can relieve some of the drama we can face from the field of dating. Opting to meet new people in a face-to-face scenario can often be successful but should you come home alone or without a simple smile from a cute guy, you can often be felt feeling somewhat disheartened. By looking into gay chat lines, you can learn all you would want to know about a potential partner before the sometimes nerve-wracking first time date. Knowing the sound of his voice, how he laughs and what he looks for in a man can be a great way to settle the nerves or simply enjoy a nice, relaxing night at home chatting to some of the gorgeous men who are joining gay chat lines today!

For more information please visit Gay Adult Chat

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The Lesbian EX Factor: Dealing With Ex-Girlfriends

Nothing causes me more anguish and terror then having the lesbian ex-girlfriend discussion. It would be wonderful if we could just enter relationships where there is no past, like some sci-fi movie where your memory is erased and there is no baggage that is brought forward.

There is something especially disturbing about lesbians and their past relationships, we tend to have difficulty letting go or moving forward. Often, we repeat past mistakes and question what we have and whether it is better than the last experience. Filled with doubt and distrust we compare, self-sabotage, and become ever more jaded.

There are two conundrums when dealing with ex girlfriends, firstly your dealing with all of your past whether your ex-girlfriends are still in your life or the pain the have left behind. Secondly her past and present women, I don't know about anyone else, but I often feel like I am being punished for her past ghosts.

We all want to be able to keep what is ours regardless of the risk and ask of our new loves to give up all their past "ALL OF IT." I am just as guilty, I have to say it is not easy for anyone to date me as I have had really amazing beautiful women in my life and although it did not workout romantically many remain dear friends that I love and cherish. I know many have suffered knowing this even if I worked the battlefield of balancing what I needed and how to be accommodating without losing myself.

Recently I came to realization, one that I have known for a long time but only now accepted- you cannot please everyone. You will not make everyone happy, it is an impossible task. It is not where happiness lies, balance is found within oneself of what we need and want. In my past I was so frightened of hurting others that I kept my relationship secret and the women that loved me let me. I know this most likely made them feel unwanted and less than, but I thought that the love I felt and showed would be enough and I could still keep everyone else happy- but no one wants to be a secret!

As I enter a new relationship I am finding myself questioning my ways and closing doors I have left open for far too long. I look at her and I want her to feel everything I see in her and also know that she is not my little secret that I am proud and in wonder of her. I cannot make everyone happy and it's honestly exhausting and if ex-girlfriends' and friends cannot be happy for the steps we take forward are they really individuals we need in a support circle.

I have also decided that I cannot be punished and worried about her ghosts. I know I am not those women, that I am me and that everyday I work on who I am and my intentions in this world. A commitment-phob by nature I would use this as an excuse to run, the ex history. I would tell them that I just could not get over their past, nor did I want to be confronted by it, which also gave me permission not to make myself fully vulnerable and do whatever I wanted.

When you love someone, there is a no guarantee. All you have is what comes in the package and if everything is to workout there needs to be an acceptance of all that has come before you, because after all that is part of whom she is.

In the end there is no diplomatic way of taking care of ex-girlfriends and unfortunately it will require letting go a selfish needs and looking at changing core beliefs. I am no stranger to this process and still in the early learning phases. When we choose to stay friends we ex-girlfriends' we leave very little room for anyone new coming in, and perhaps unconsciously not sure how we feel about are current partner. As painful as it is space is needed to heal wounds and make room for new beginnings. How can we look forward if our vision is stuck on the rearview mirror? We will keep crashing and burning in our past.

I do believe that there are some ex-girlfriend relationships that can be healthy, but that comes with time and space in out togetherness. There are also relationships that when they come to an end that's where they should stay and be put to rest, especially if they were abusive or not healthy to begin with.

Here are so tips to deal with the EX factor:

Don't compare your new love with the past ones. It really is not fair and doesn't allow for a good start. Everyone is different and really if you want to know why you attract certain individuals look at yourself and your parents. You won't find the answer in your partner, but in your own past and understanding of relationships and modeling.Don't find yourself in compromising situations. If there are ex's that you know are dangerous for you stay away. We all have that person that when we are close all the walls come down and we begin to make excuse to get closer and forget the most basic of relationship breakers. Know you weakness and then adjust for them and keeping your new relationship intact.Friends are individuals we can call on for support, without inappropriate issues arising. We need to be able to confide in friends, and ex girlfriends are often not able to be friends as the agendas are very different then that of a friend. So basically "Don't shit where you eat."You cannot fully invest and be present if your energy is going into past relationships and attempting a friendship with them.Talk to your ex, be frank that you're in a new relationship and need space. Stop pussy footing around waiting for the right time and show respect not only for your needs, but all involved even if it means a little pain. Pain is not a bad thing; it's just a signal of change and adjustment. You can say "You're an amazing person, but I have entered a new relationship and am very happy. I want to give it a fair chance so I am going to say good-bye, but I wish you all the best." Keep it short, to the point, and sweet.De-friend them on Facebook. Take away temptation and so you're not all in their business and they are not in yours. It sucks but its part of letting go. Don't worry you'll both make new friends soon enough.Remove their number from your phone. This is one of the first things I do, because I am impulsive and I always want a happy ending, but that's unrealistic so like a good addiction specialist that I am, I remove all triggers for relationship relapse!Grief the loss. You lost someone you loved and a friend. It's okay to grieve and be sad. A part of you has left with them and now you have to say good-bye.Stop mentioning the ex. Its part of history and you are leaving in the present.Focus on yourself and what you have learnt. If we go through all this we might as well learn something from it and be better for it-not more jaded, right?

New relationships are hard; they require a lot of work at first after all your two strangers drawn together and for all the reasons in the universe. Nothing is forever gone and if you want a friendship later on with an ex, leave that in a box to deal with later, but for a while in the beginning focus on your new love and the power that brought you together.

Alex Karydi~The Lesbian Guru

I am an Internationally Certified Drug and Alcohol Counselor that has been trained in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender LGBT related issues. I write for the Examiner.com as their Lesbian Relationship Expert and am a featured writer on SexGenderBody.com. My intention is to start a movement towards a healthier and more supportive community! Where LGBTs can find each other, learn from one another, and build a stronger support system. I, myself, am on a personal quest in discovery for a healthier gay relationship and self-fulfillment.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://thelesbianguru.com/! Or just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

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Gay Weddings And Why They Are A Good Thing

We as people are always changing and have come a long way over the many years we have been on this world. We have learnt to tolerate each other and that the old ways of the church have been watered down for a modern world. Being gay is not the taboo it once was and they are living relatively free. New equality rights are being introduced all the time, one of which, is the right for same sex weddings.

The importance of this is vast and it brings us so very close to gay and lesbian people to have the same rights as the straight people. For a gay couple who have been together for a while and love each other, nothing would be better then to show their bond by making it official and legal.

For many many years gay and lesbian people have been fighting for these type of rights and have lived in fear and the feeling of being a second citizen. Having to live with this over many years, afraid that something could happen or say they didn't want them here, would of been awful and no way to live your life. Gay weddings have opened doors for full same sex rights in the eyes of the law. We call it a gay wedding but really it's a civil partnership, which isn't full marriage but close enough to it. Gay weddings finally show that people do recognize love between people of the same sex is acceptable and the love is just as strong as a straight couple.

The fact that gay weddings are now allowed is a huge sign if not the final sign that it's all OK to be gay and people accept you for what you are. Of course as like anything there is still a small group of people who don't like it. You will find that not every country is as liberal as others and just by being gay you could be in serious trouble or even put to death. Its a matter of gay rights and having gay weddings in a country is a massive step forward in the right direction if not the final step into gay rights. There is the whole thing about gay adoption but that is for another time.

As we are entering an age where gay people can get married and live a much better life then a few decades ago, everything is looking good for tolerance and freedom. So if you're a gay loving couple why not go out and tell the world and have the best wedding you have ever seen and rejoice in the fact you can. A gay wedding is a good thing.

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Do Us Queers Need a Family?

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. - Jane Howard

The above was quoted by Dr. Brand Doubell, gay sexologist from Bloemfontein South Africa, on his Facebook status a while ago. A Girl called Bonita posted that she loves her weird family. Benjamin Breden from Johannesburg posted that pack animals need their pack & a guy called Edwin van Wyk responded with "Family; you can't choose them and you certainly don't want to lose them". I am always more than eager to like Dr. Doubell's status updates, because they are always either a well chosen quote for the occasion or a perfectly formulated utterance from his own wisdom, but somehow I did not respond to it.

My question is whether this sentiment still holds water in our time, our generation or even worse in our LGBT community? Being far away from my own extended family, geographically and emotionally, I passed by his status update without being impressed at all and I am usually more than impressed with anything Dr. Doubell says.

Later that week on Wednesday evening the "big brothers" of Facebook decided that it was my turn to be deleted from the face of their book; how frustrating!!! My first reaction was forget them. It took me months to build my list of friends to 1500 and I had no inclination to start over. Why would I risk spending all this time building a list if some bored individual had the authority to break it down with a few keystrokes on his keyboard? Making it worse is the fact that it is very difficult to contact a help-department on Facebook. If you send a message you hardly get a response and if you look for an answer the only posts you see are those of other Facebook users. In many cases that kind of help files are nothing more than the exchange of stupidity.

What do you do now?; I thought. So with no page, no way of getting to Facebook friends and no idea what plan of action to follow, I nearly gave up on Facebook. A friend motivated me to start from scratch, but I must say you feel reluctant to start over if it is so easy to be deleted again.

The thing I enjoyed the most was the response I got from many Facebook friends. Posts like "welcome back", "happy to see you're back" and "what happened and where can we help" really made my day. It almost gave me the courage to start all over again, despite the possibility that this might happen again. My Facebook family, or should I say my gay Facebook family gave me the energy and the willpower to try again.

That brings me back to my original question. Do we still need a clan, a support-group or a family in our generation or even worse in our LGBT community? My answer is yes without a doubt; maybe even more than ever. As a community we are challenged daily; whether it is the straight community that hates us, the large companies that toy with us, the governments that does not accept our relationships or big brother that slows us down; we need each other. I was in trouble and frustrated but my family came through for me, not my biological family, my gay family.

This experience helped me to remember Dr. Doubell's status update:

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.

Now I am prepared to click the like button on every gay and lesbian page on Facebook, because we are an extended family, and a great one at that.

Andrew Blade is a founding member and sex-therapist at the Cobra group. His specialty is gay and lesbian sexology. You could read more of his articles on:

http://www.facebook.com/cobragay

or

http://www.cobrahelping.blogspot.com/

or invite him as friend on Facebook under the name Andrew Blades.

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Dearest Mom and Dad - Telling Your Parents You Are Gay

Homophobia literally means a fear for homos, in this case homosexuals, but that is not what the word stands for in our culture. In our time homophobia refers to a range of negative attitudes against the LGBT community in its totality; it stands for discrimination, hate, aggression, dehumanization, fear, negativity and anger against us. Often these negative attitudes are based on urban myths like the idea that gay men will rape straight men or worse, molest small boys. The fact that most rapists and pedophiles are straight does not change anything; like all myths these ones are not interested in facts.

Hetero-phobia was coined by homophobes claiming that they are not against homosexuals as such but against a group of homosexuals that threaten their heterosexual society by asking for a few basic human rights. Asking for equal rights to get married in this perspective are threatening the existence of the heterosexual family and everything it stands for. Hetero-phobia is therefore just a silly term coined to use against basic rights for homosexuals.

Academically interesting as the definitions above might be, it is definitely not what this article is about - luckily not. This article is about the effect that the above have on the families involved.

Dearest Mom & Dad

I am writing you a letter because I want to say a lot of things before you start to ask me questions, get mad or start crying. Don't worry it is not something you did, nor is it something that I did, It is just something that happened and I am still trying to figure it out; I really hope you could help me with this.

Mom, Dad; I am gay.

I need you to stay calm, I really do. I have read everything I could lay my hands on about homosexuality. You could say that I am now an expert in the field, so let me tell you what I have found. Please give me a chance to tell you the whole story, but first, an introduction:

Firstly I want you to understand that this is not something you did. Mom you did not make me gay by being over protective and Dad you did not do it because you could not always be there. Dad, an extra football, cowboy clothes or course in mechanics would not have changed anything; not letting me help you in the garage is not the reason. Mom, teaching me to cook was not the reason; letting me help you in the kitchen when I did not want to help dad in the garage did not make any difference.

Secondly you need to understand that this is not something I did. It is not because I hang around with the wrong friends because friends can not make you gay. It is not because I was playing with girls as a kid or playing with the wrong boys when I got older. It is not because I went to the wrong places, stayed away from church or because I did not like the pastor.

Mom & dad, I am not gay because you or I did anything wrong; I was born this way. If you do want to blame someone for this, I guess you could blame God and no, I am not judging God or making fun about Him. I am just explaining to you that if God created me, then He created me like this; created me gay. I am also not angry at Him for this. I really enjoy being gay and I think it is because He made me like this that I enjoy it so much. I am really thanking Him for making me gay because I would not like to be anything else. All the people who really went into this topic will tell you that a person does not choose this; you are born gay.

Do you know how I know this to be true? I know this because I realized I was different long before I knew what homosexuality meant. I always liked boys more and when the boys started to like girls more, I still wanted to stick to boys. In the gym when the boys had to change their clothes, I could not stop staring. Do you remember in grade 8, when Joe stole his father's porno and we watched it on our television? All the boys went mad when they saw the first naked woman in that movie and I could not understand what they were raving about until the first naked man appeared; the moment I raved about him my friends looked at me as if I were mad. There is so many other stories I could tell you about this, but we can talk about them another day. All I wanted to show you were that I was gay before I even knew what being gay really meant.

I guess I could have made this easier for you by telling you face to face, but I was really too scared of what your reaction would be. Do you know how scary it is for a kid to ponder on the idea that his parents are going to throw him away? Do you know how scared I am at the idea of losing you, being rejected by you or never being able to be held by you? It is, without a doubt, the scariest thought a sixteen year old boy like me could ever have. I beg you to try and understand; I know how difficult it will be, but remember your acceptance of my sexuality will always be easier than the rejection the whole of mankind is going to put me through. Please do not reject me and please do not stop loving me. I promise you that if this were merely a choice, I would have never made it. Why on earth would anybody knowingly choose to be hated by 80% of the population?

Your loving gay son

(Luckily for me I never had to send a letter like this)

Andrew Blade is a founding member and sex-therapist at the Cobra group. His specialty is gay and lesbian sexology. You could read more of his articles on:

http://www.facebook.com/cobragay

or

http://www.cobrahelping.blogspot.com/

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What Gay Men Should Expect From Relationships

Some gay men put up with a lot in their relationships. Their long-term partners will aggressively flirt with other men in front of them, go home with a guy from the bar without any forewarning, sleep with ex-lovers without gaining consent from their current lover, or brag to their current boyfriends about the quality of their sex with strangers.

Ouch.

Here's what I find most concerning. Some gay men don't feel they have a right to be upset about these behaviors. They'll ask me why they feel so jealous and how can I help them let go of their jealousy. They think that the gay community believes in sexual freedom and it isn't cool or manly to object to their partner's sexual behavior.

In other words, they feel shame for experiencing hurt by the actions of their long-term partners.

Heterosexual couples get plenty of social support for treating their partners with respect when it comes to sex. Outrage is the typical social response when friends are told about poor relationship behavior among straight people. When gay men tell the same heartbreaking stories they are less likely to get a big response. Gay relationships are not given the same level of validity.

I'm not making an argument here for monogamy in gay men's long-term relationships. Men can have open relationships and still treat each other with great care and consideration. Gay men have led the way on redefining what defines a caring open relationship. Check out my blog entry entitled "Gay Men and Open Relationships: What Works?" for more on that position.

The point I am making is that if you feel jealous about your partner's sexual behaviors with other men, you need to validate those feelings. Those feelings are common and normal and deserve respect from both you and your partner.

There is plenty of research in psychology to back up the theory that an important reason we enter into relationships is to heal some of the old wounds we experienced in our earliest relationships with our parents, siblings, and peers. If your family had trouble providing you with emotional support as a child then one of the best ways you can heal from that loss is to experience deep emotional support from your adult partner. Most people are really hungry for this experience.

Couples that don't acknowledge that their relationship needs plenty of care, conversation, and consensus will hurt each other. Rather than helping to heal old wounds, these relationships just keep reinjuring. Psychotherapists call this "attachment wounding."

If your friends are telling you that you are putting up with too much from your boyfriend, it's often a sign that you are in a "codependent" position in your relationship. Codependence can be defined as compulsively taking care of other people rather than taking care of ourselves.

Here's the very least you should expect from your partner:

• Your partner should apologize when he discovers that he dropped you emotionally. Maybe not right away, but eventually.

• Your partner should not be harshly criticizing you, teasing you, or putting you down. If he does this occasionally he should be sincerely apologizing after each incident.

• Your partner should never hit you. Period.

• Being drunk is not an excuse for mean behavior.

• You deserve kindness from your partner. Not at every single moment, but on a regular weekly basis. This is really the whole point of being in a relationship.

If this topic resonated with you might want to check out the classic book on codependency: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

If you are tolerating unkind behavior then I urge you seriously reevaluate your relationship. Seek out individual or couples counseling if you need help in making the changes to create supportive, healthy relationships.

Adam D. Blum, MFT is a San Francisco psychotherapist specializing in relationship and self-esteem issues for gay men. He writes a blog on these topics at http://gaytherapist-sanfrancisco.com/blog. Adam can be reached at 415-255-4266 or on his website at http://www.gaytherapist-sanfrancisco.com/.

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No, You Are Not a Disappointment

When we become aware of our homosexuality, a storm of feelings come to assail us: revelation, understanding, serious anxiety, fear of what the future holds, disgust, joy or sorrow... Among the negative feelings that we may feel at that particular moment is the perception that we are a disappointment. Wrongly or rightly, we imagine the disappointment that we will be in the eyes of our family or our friends. Like a bad movie that is projected in a loop in our minds, we find ourselves trapped in deep anguish of being rejected. Worse, some homosexuals, in relation to the future they had imagined for themselves begin to consider themselves as disappointments.

I will be honest. Indeed, maybe your family will be disappointed to know that you are gay and you will not live the life they had imagined. But do not make the mistake of believing that this is your fault. It is natural that they have planned a number of things about your future but in the end it is their mistakes, their own projections. They have to discover that it is impossible to live the lives of others in their place. Your homosexuality is just a reminder that happiness lies in them and not in outside factors.

The truth is that your coming out acts as a light in the night for you but also for all those who will be witnesses. It is a light that calls us to wake up and open our eyes to the nature of happiness: always be closer to our true nature, the expression of the divine in ourselves. So indeed, maybe your family will not perceive the gift that you represent. But your responsibility stops precisely at this opportunity you offer. One of the greatest treasures we have is free will. Your family therefore have the right to not seize this opportunity for now and to not find happiness in them and stay focused on their disappointment. But this feeling is theirs, not yours.

We are all too inclined to believe that we are the images others project on us. But this is false. The images that they project refer to their perceptions experienced through the filter of their hopes, their beliefs, their fears. The simple truth is you are someone divine. Making this coming out will be your first step towards a peaceful life with yourself.

Do not feel like you are a disappointment because the life you will live is far from the one you imagined. Because the life that you will live will be the one of your true potential. You will leave a gray and hazy world to enter a world of light and color.

And if we consider the courage you showed in making this coming out I can assure you that you can be proud of you.

You are not a disappointment, you are a role-model.

For more information, please my website: http://www.ourgaylegend.com/

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How Closeted Lesbians Affect The Social Gatherings of OUT Lesbians

There is a major impact by these closeted members of our community forced on lesbians, gays, trans, and bi-s, who are out. This is causing an anti-social envelope to surround where some lesbian and gay events take place. This is 2011. We need to live in the real world, not a pre-1969 world when we were constantly beaten, harassed, considered mentally ill, and more although some of these still happen today. In some states we can legally marry and have lesbian weddings. We cannot live in the closet anymore. We need to interact with society as a whole, not in isolation and in secret anymore.

For instance, I am on the board of directors of the largest lesbian social organization in my area. We had planned a fun-filled event at a particular venue. Up until now it had been held at two other venues; both were more costly and with a lower quality of food. One was not as exposed to the public as the other one, which was right along a street. The new venue's cost was substantially less and totally reasonable with the event to be held in back of the building including exceptional food compared to previous years. The only interaction with the public would maybe ordering drinks inside at the bar from most likely a bi or lesbian bartender or wait staff.

These closeted members of the board instilled fear into other board members by conjuring up visions of 'beer guzzling heterosexuals fulfilling their fantasies' by watching our event out the rear windows. This reminds me of redlining (when real estate agents would go door to door and telling home owners to move out because blacks were moving into their neighborhoods) in the sixties and seventies that was finally outlawed, thank goodness.

This was all because one member was afraid to go to this venue because her family has had events and some of the public may come to the bar there and someone might recognize her and find out she is a lesbian.

It was put forth that no one from the board of directors had to attend, especially if they had a negative attitude; they were more than welcome to stay at home.

Because of the influence by these two members over the others, who could not see what was really happening, this event was canceled and well over 100 women lost a wonderful chance to gather together to enjoy fabulous food and drinks, play some healthy sports like softball, beach volleyball, horseshoes, bocce, the washer game, board games, slip and slide, fantastic raffles, and mingle with old and new friends of all ages.

These are ways that closeted homosexuals affect the rights of their sisters and brothers. This shows how restrictions that they impose on themselves affect everyone in the LGBT communities.

If you are closeted and wish to remain that way, that is all well and good as long as you do not use your influence to control others and affect the activities of those of us who are out and want to have a bit more mainstream activities in the real 2011 world than you do.

Let those of us who wish to be out and gather together and celebrate where we want especially at gay-friendly venues like the example above.

There are many strategies to planning your lesbian wedding, but nothing makes sense unless you really take action and get started. You may listen to other people's ideas, but definitely decide for yourselves what you both want; you control your future lesbian wedding. Discover new ideas from us about how to do some things differently and grab some fabulous inspirations. Sign-up right now for these FREE 7 Secret Sizzling Hot Tips For Your Lesbian Wedding. To find out how to start to do exactly that - Go here: http://www.lesbianweddingtips.com/.

Even though it's for lesbians who are planning their weddings, there are some great ideas in the tips and emails for everyone. So sign up now!

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