A Lesbian Infatuation - Or Is It Love?

Therapist: "What brings you in today?"

Love Sick Lesbian (LSL): "I can't take it anymore...I love her so much but she plays with my heart..."

Therapist: "Tell me more about this Love."

LSL: "It's been going on for years and I don't know how to get over it... I don't know if this is love or an obsession... or am I just crazy?"

Therapist: "Maybe it's all of the above... mixed in with a little Infatuation."

LSL: "Help me. Can you please help me get over her?"

Funny? It is not meant to be. Everyday I get at least one email from a woman sharing this exact thought process. She is telling me in great detail about a woman sometimes even more than one she cannot let go of and has been holding on for months if not years. It's unimaginable the time and energy we put into our "unforgettable" loves. UNIMAGINABLE, not only in feelings and emotions but sometimes sacrificing other relationships and financial goals.

You could possibly define it as going crazy on some narcotic, and you would not be too far from the truth. Yet, just like a drug we will allow it to consume us until we have reached the very limits of space... until without a doubt we can truly believe there is no hope with that woman. Sometimes that road is endless as glimmers of hope are always within reach, so how do we get over this infatuating toxic relationship?

Infatuation is very different to love and presents itself as feelings that could not possibly be confused with a committed and loving love. When we are infatuated we a filled with feelings ofuncertainty and panic, lust is at full throttle, and excitement overwhelms us, we are impatient and easily ignited into jealousy.

When we are infatuated we are almost in a sense overdosed with love and are having a sever reaction. None of us can say we are happy while in that zone as we are filled with feelings of doubt and mistrust for our "toxic love." We can become so consumed that misery takes over and interferes in other areas of life: work, family, and friends. Often we are overpowered by sexual urges and needs that scream to be fulfilled.

Why do we go crazy? Because when you meet a woman you are attracted too you have a surge of energy that occurs in your brain stimulating the parts that are responsible for feelings of euphoria and forming attachment. However, as nice as this may sound, just like an addict we become tolerant of this energy and start chasing the new high! Some of us jump from one relationship to another. Others create drama (Lesbian Drama Mamas) and self-sabotage to build new highs (Psychodykos), or move on hurt and less trusting than before (Les Runners), only to fall in a similar hole later. See any words you can identify with?

How can we avoid this vicious circle of toxic love? Simple, you have to ride the river towards romantic love. In other words, you have to change the way you express it. We are so eager we get caught up in moments that last months or years. We forget about experiencing the feeling and allowing them to move through us. Instead we hold on and end up suffocating on our feelings and become disillusioned in the end.

Love Sick Diet

Take time to know someone and trust them.Enjoy the moment for what it is "A Moment in Time vs I Want this FOREVER."Always have a supportive environment and use them when in doubt or hurting.Look at yourself. Examine your template of love.Talk to a counselor about co-dependency issues and difficulty with letting go.Most importantly know your worth and believe that it is worth sharing with the right person at the right time and that your "Infatuation" may just not be it (and that's perfectly okay.)

Alex Karydi~The Lesbian Guru

I am an Internationally Certified Drug and Alcohol Counselor that has been trained in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender LGBT related issues. I write for the Examiner.com as their Lesbian Relationship Expert and am a featured writer on SexGenderBody.com. My intention is to start a movement towards a healthier and more supportive community! Where LGBTs can find each other, learn from one another, and build a stronger support system. I, myself, am on a personal quest in discovery for a healthier gay relationship and self-fulfillment.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please feel free to email me at TheLesbianGuru@Gmail.com with ExaminerQ as the title or you can follow me on my Blog http://thelesbianguru.com/! Are just Join The Lesbian Revolution of Health & Love on http://Facebook.com/TheFemmeGuru

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Coming Out to Your Friends As Lesbian, Gay or Bisexual

The words 'coming out' has different meaning for different people. For some men and women, identifying as a lesbian or gay means self acceptance, acknowledging that they are attracted to people of the same sex and want to develop sexual, romantic relationships with them. For others, it means, letting people they care about know that they are not heterosexual; that it is necessary to verbalize a word that lets them know you're different. Most importantly for most, it's because they want to be truthful with their friends and not hold any secrets. Whatever your reasons, identifying as a lesbian or gay man can be a liberating and even euphoric experience.

Coming out, can be a lengthy painful process, or a short, celebratory one, it really depends on your unique circumstances and your mindset. Most North American societies have laws that protect lesbians and gays however, many women and men still remain in the 'closet' mainly due to fears of how others will react.

These thoughts may be prevalent in your mind:
Will they stop being my friend?Will they stop talking to me?Will they tell everyone they know?

The following suggestions may help you come out to your friend:

Visualize

Thinking about all the possible scenarios and outcomes can be stressful and create a lot of anxiety. Begin to change your way of thinking from the negative to the positive. Visualize how you will come out to a friend and visualize their positive response to you. Do this often and until you feel comfortable and at ease with the notion of being out to your friend.

Engage Conversation

Engage your friend in a discussion about a lesbian or gay issue, for example: What do you think of Pride? How do you feel about lesbian/gay marriages becoming legal in NY (first lesbian couple to wed, Kitty Lambert and Cheryle Rudd).

Listen to your friend, accept whatever opinion he or she expresses to you, then add your opinion, making sure you express a favourable viewpoint. Do not over talk, change conversations if it starts getting heated. If not, and your friend shows a lot of acceptance in relation to the lesbian/gay theme of your discussion, than you know that your friend may accept you well.

Watch a Movie

Today there are many movies or TV shows, that have a gay/lesbian theme, Imagine Me and You (for women), Priest (for men). Ask your friend to see one with you. Later, over a coffee or tea talk about the movie, and specifically the gay/lesbian character. Make sure you do not judge your friend, and always present a positive view of the film and it's lesbian/gay content.

Once you start getting positive responses from your friend, you can start bringing the issue closer to home by initiating a discussion about someone you know that is lesbian or gay. Talk about this person in a positive way, referring to how others have accepted his or her's sexual orientation.

Come Out

One day, and do not plan the day, come out as a lesbian or gay man to your friend. Don't plan the day or the time, as this may create anxiety. However, make up your mind that you will be coming out to your friend when the opportunity presents itself. Make sure you're doing something fun, and that you're both in a good mood. The words you use to come out are entirely up to you, some like to say: "I'm a lesbian, I am gay" ` I now identify as lesbian, I now identify as gay", "I'm attracted to women,`` I am attracted to men" " I prefer to only date women/men" "I am a gay woman", "I am bisexual" and so forth. Whatever manner you choose, do it with confidence and with the certainty that you'll be accepted, most likely your friend will feel your positive energy and will accept you wholeheartedly.

Esmeralda Carvalho is a writer for Lesbian Moms Today, http://www.lesbianmomtoday.com/ a website for lesbian moms and their families to connect, talk about parenting, family, relationship, healthy living, films, travel and events.

She has an Honours BA in Sociology and Psychology, has founded a lesbian/gay association and has chaired various committees on lesbian/gay issues, parenting and health.

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7 Reasons Why You Should Boycott Gay Pride If You Want A Relationship And Live A Normal Life

When did Gay Pride stop becoming a celebration and start becoming a spectacle? If it were not for the "Equality for All" signs, I might have confused the event for Carnival and not Gay Pride 2011 on Miami Beach.

After all, the street played host to tanned bodies with painted faces, fake breasts the size of beach balls, and impressive swimsuit bulges, both authentic and altered.

There were enough condoms to shower the entire crowd and enough glitter to blind Stevie Wonder. As a healthy gay professional, I began to consider the reasons why gays should boycott Gay Pride.

1. Mockery. Gay Pride is the most visible gay event in a lot of cities. It does not present positive or serious images of gay men. While it is nice to have fun, Pride does little to garner respect for gay people by society. Perhaps there should be a place for rowdy festivities and a separately broadcast occasion where gays can celebrate tastefully.

2. Stereotypes Reinforced. Gays deserve the chance to make social strides that strengthen their collective reputation in the world. Instead, Pride perpetuates negative stereotypes of gay men as well as obsession of body image and sexual promiscuity.

3. Hypersexualization. The parade and events only fortify the idea that if you are a gay man, your sexuality is the crux of your identity. At a booth along the beach, men were selling, besides lube, a spray to prevent the spread of herpes. The product implied not only a gullible audience, but also a raunchy, sexually crazed one for those at Pride.

4. Stunted Progress. What legislator in her right mind is going to think gay men standing in the streets in too-small underwear should deserve any special rights? I feel being scantily clad symbolizes narcissism more than dignity for a history or a passion for social progress. What kind of homage would be paid to Martin Luther King, Jr. if for Black History Month, African Americans ran streets in thongs, booty shaking for beads?

5. Social alienation. We are all people, yet Pride divides the gay community from mainstream society in drastic, detrimental ways. How are non-gay people supposed to relate to or sympathize with sexual caricatures sucking dildos? Pride should sponsor events that have a more universal appeal, revered and shared with many sects of society.

6. Cliques. The roles of twink, jock, bear, daddy, etc. all become more obvious and isolating. I found the separation by body type made meeting people outside my physique near impossible. Mostly, men posed, and it was too intimidating to approach them.

7. Lost Purpose. What is the aim of The Gay Pride? If not to connect with other gays, make social progress, or bask in an earned appreciation for a minority, what is achieved?

As a float of oiled, half nude teenagers passed, a woman strolled her child into view, gazing at the parade. I couldn't help but imagine what the outsider was thinking. Surely she was not impressed or inspired by the dehumanized men and women rubbing their nipple rings and flossing their backsides. Gay men, we need to prioritize how we want to be represented and respectfully treated by the world. Save the circus antics for Carnival.

Recent research shows that 58% of gay men who are single develop depression, gain weight and many end up HIV positive - all as a result of being single.

Paul Angelo, gay health, dating and relationship coach has a solution for you. But you need to take action today. Visit http://www.paulangelo.com/ before its too late.

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Coming Out to Yourself A Journey in Self Discovery

What does 'coming out' mean? For many it simply means accepting who they are, without preconceptions, without judgement, assuming an identity that is open and honest, both to themselves and to others around them. To others, it simply means accepting who they are in silence, not sharing with anyone their true identity with the possible exception of a few close friends. Whatever it means to you, what is important is that you accept who you are and are comfortable within your own skin, live in peace, and are not haunted by fears of being discovered and rejected by others. If you carry feelings of a deep dark secret you are not living a carefree harmonious calm life, rather one filled with stress and anxiety. Coming out to yourself in whatever manner you choose, will liberate you from a self-imposed prison and will lead you to living a free and more enjoyable way of life.

The Coming Out Process

Research indicates that people go through a range of stages before coming out and can remain in any one of these stages for an indefinite amount of time.

In the first stage, a person feels different from others, they know they feel different towards people of the same sex but it's not always clear, if their feelings are of a sexual, romantic or of a friendship nature.

In the second stage they become more aware of their feelings and their attractions to people of the same sex. They may have had sexual liaisons with people of the same sex, but are not proud of their actions, have mixed feelings about their identity and may experience feelings of denial regarding their sexual orientation.

In the third stage, they begin to accept their sexual identity by mixing with other lesbian, gay and bisexual people, attending groups and events, and dating people of the same sex more openly. In the final stage, they begin to feel proud of their identity; they do not want to hide it, and want to share it with people they love, trust and respect. At this point, they may experience feelings of euphoria and pride, and truly feel they have 'come out'.

Why come out?

Heterosexuals don't have to worry about coming out as it is assumed in society that they date, love and marry people of the opposite sex. Homosexuals, however, don't have this privilege, through their silence they are assumed heterosexual and thus are expected to behave accordingly by the current societal institutions that exist in North American societies. Feelings of isolation can ensue, causing social isolation and feelings of alienation. Through silence lesbians and gays have been kept in their place throughout history unnoticed, unseen and in an unnecessarily shameful position; hence the need for today's Pride March events. Secrecy and silence leads to shame, self-depreciation and low self-esteem. It is for these reasons that coming out becomes vital if nothing else, to allow the true liberation of the human spirit, to free the inner core of any human being that feels confined. After all, do we not all want and crave freedom, whether it is personal or social? Coming out will set you FREE!

Nature vs Nurture

The nature versus nurture argument exists to explain whether or not homosexuality (or, lesbianism, bisexuality) in genetically based or not. The same research could easily be used to justify a heterosexual orientation. Does it really matter why you are who you are, genetically speaking; gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight? The challenge is to decide how you want to live your life, accepting whatever orientation seems natural and true to you. You may not be able to change who you are, but you can change your perception of yourself and through your behaviour, affect the way others see and relate to you. It all comes down to attitude and self-confidence, although your confidence will definitely improve as you assume your true sexual orientation.

If you're reading this, it may mean you're aware that you are not heterosexual and therefore, you're already in stage two of the coming out process. You may now just need a few ideas, or tips on how to come out to yourself in a more holistic way. Remember, coming out is not a static, one-time event, rather, it is an ongoing process.

How to Begin

Research the following online or at your local library:

a. History of homosexuality

b. Your country's (state, province) political position

c. Laws that exist that protect homosexuals in your (country, state, province

d. Gay and lesbian events local/national/international

Do the following:

1. Read a romance novels involving gays/lesbians/bisexuals

2. Watch a movie or TV show with a gay/lesbian/bisexual theme

3. Start a journal and monitor how you feel when you read information on lesbian/gay issues. Write on a daily basis what you've done that is gay/lesbian/bisexual minded and write your feelings about it.

Monitor your day and night dreams in your journal. Are they with people of your sex? Are you in a female or male role? Try to answer these questions in your diary. Don't share your journal with anyone, these are your private thoughts and you need to feel free expressing them without anyone judging you.

Also, write down in your diary your relationship goals. Do you desire intimacy with a woman or with a man? Do you want to kiss, hug, and make love to that person? Do you feel happy, aroused at the thought of sexual intimacy with someone of your sex?

If you're feeling uncomfortable and have conflicting feelings, you may want to call a Gay/Lesbian telephone help line to talk to someone anonymously. You may also want to seek out a gay/lesbian/bisexual friendly therapist. You can usually find one at your local LGBT community centre, or counselling centre; call in to find out if they have lesbian/gay/bisexual peer counselling.

Practice saying the following affirmations in front of a mirror:

For Women

• I am a lesbian

• I am bisexual

• I am a gay woman

• I love who I am

• I love myself

• I love the fact that I love women

• I enjoy sexual intimacy with women

• I desire women

• I am normal

• I am proud of who I am

For Men

• I am a gay

• I am bisexual

• I am a gay man

• I love who I am

• I love myself

• I love the fact that I love men

• I enjoy sexual intimacy with men

• I desire men

• I am normal

• I am proud of who I am

If it's difficult to say these words, continue repeating them at least 10 times per day. Develop a routine, do it in the washroom in the morning or just before going to bed.

If you decide to claim your gay/lesbian or bisexual sexual orientation, and are feeling good about this decision, surround yourself with positive influences. Go to websites that are affirming, visit forums that gather likeminded people and participate in the discussions. Join face book or twitter and make new friends. Share your story and comment on the stories shared by others. Learn about the latest celebrity that just got married or are coming out. In this way you will find a sense of community and friendship and inevitably you will develop a sense of pride and self-worth that will resonate to others around you.

by Esmeralda Carvalho

Esmeralda Carvalho is an author for Lesbian Moms Today, http://www.lesbianmomstoday.com/. She has an Honours BA from the University in Toronto, specializing in Sociology and Psychology. She has done extensive work as a lesbian activist, chairing numerous gay/lesbian committees and co-founded a lesbian and gay multicultural association. She has done extensive volunteer work in the area of gay/lesbian counselling, and has facilitated coming out groups for many years.

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How To Fight For Equality In The Workplace

Corporate America has made a lot of progress in not only recognizing alternative lifestyles such as gay and lesbian, but also in dealing with any issues of inequality and unfairness as it relates to the workplace.

However, corporations cannot change prejudices, radical viewpoints and biased opinions of its staff. And that is the hardest part of fighting unfairness and lack of equality in the workplace. Once a gay or lesbian colleague either decides to come out with his or her sexuality, or is outed by another colleague, it is not certain how things will evolve for that colleague. There may be overt or covert harassment, or he or she may be welcomed. Or, no one may care and life would go on in the office as before.

Most of the guidance written about how to deal with gay and lesbian colleagues is unfortunately very broad and vague. It is cloaked in such terms as "diversity," "opportunity for every one" etc. What HR departments have been advised by the senior management is to toe a middle line. This is understandable--a workplace is not where you flaunt your sexuality. A company has many constituents---including those who think alternative lifestyles are for closets.

What I am trying to say is that recognizing this adverse force in corporate America is the first step for gays and lesbians to be smart about asserting their positions where it does them most good. Let us be clear about the workplace objectives:

1. All around equality--promotions, health benefits, upward mobility and being appointed to key positions within the company

2. Transparency in dealing with alternative lifestyles. No more hiding behind euphemisms like "diversity". It is a great first step to promote diversity. But diversity should be a means, not an end.

3. Normalcy in workplace where everyone, irrespective of their sexual preferences is made to fee welcome and mainstream.

The last point is important. Just as blacks were subjected to both over and covert discrimination and therefore had to be dealt with in a special fashion to overcome the sense of separation, gays and lesbians must recognize that just saying everyone is equal is not sufficient. A few tips:

Celebrating special events in the lives of gays and lesbians in the workplace is key. This includes adopting a child, same sex marriage and a welcome day for gay and lesbian couples. This is achieved only by gays and lesbians taking a leadership position to organize and promote such events.
Not being squeamish in public or inter-office profiles about declaring that you are gay or lesbian.
Ensuring that if a gay or lesbian is promoted, a subtle point is made about it, so everyone knows that the company is walking the talk.

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What Gay Men Should Expect From Relationships

Some gay men put up with a lot in their relationships. Their long-term partners will aggressively flirt with other men in front of them, go home with a guy from the bar without any forewarning, sleep with ex-lovers without gaining consent from their current lover, or brag to their current boyfriends about the quality of their sex with strangers.

Ouch.

Here's what I find most concerning. Some gay men don't feel they have a right to be upset about these behaviors. They'll ask me why they feel so jealous and how can I help them let go of their jealousy. They think that the gay community believes in sexual freedom and it isn't cool or manly to object to their partner's sexual behavior.

In other words, they feel shame for experiencing hurt by the actions of their long-term partners.

Heterosexual couples get plenty of social support for treating their partners with respect when it comes to sex. Outrage is the typical social response when friends are told about poor relationship behavior among straight people. When gay men tell the same heartbreaking stories they are less likely to get a big response. Gay relationships are not given the same level of validity.

I'm not making an argument here for monogamy in gay men's long-term relationships. Men can have open relationships and still treat each other with great care and consideration. Gay men have led the way on redefining what defines a caring open relationship. Check out my blog entry entitled "Gay Men and Open Relationships: What Works?" for more on that position.

The point I am making is that if you feel jealous about your partner's sexual behaviors with other men, you need to validate those feelings. Those feelings are common and normal and deserve respect from both you and your partner.

There is plenty of research in psychology to back up the theory that an important reason we enter into relationships is to heal some of the old wounds we experienced in our earliest relationships with our parents, siblings, and peers. If your family had trouble providing you with emotional support as a child then one of the best ways you can heal from that loss is to experience deep emotional support from your adult partner. Most people are really hungry for this experience.

Couples that don't acknowledge that their relationship needs plenty of care, conversation, and consensus will hurt each other. Rather than helping to heal old wounds, these relationships just keep reinjuring. Psychotherapists call this "attachment wounding."

If your friends are telling you that you are putting up with too much from your boyfriend, it's often a sign that you are in a "codependent" position in your relationship. Codependence can be defined as compulsively taking care of other people rather than taking care of ourselves.

Here's the very least you should expect from your partner:

• Your partner should apologize when he discovers that he dropped you emotionally. Maybe not right away, but eventually.

• Your partner should not be harshly criticizing you, teasing you, or putting you down. If he does this occasionally he should be sincerely apologizing after each incident.

• Your partner should never hit you. Period.

• Being drunk is not an excuse for mean behavior.

• You deserve kindness from your partner. Not at every single moment, but on a regular weekly basis. This is really the whole point of being in a relationship.

If this topic resonated with you might want to check out the classic book on codependency: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

If you are tolerating unkind behavior then I urge you seriously reevaluate your relationship. Seek out individual or couples counseling if you need help in making the changes to create supportive, healthy relationships.

Adam D. Blum, MFT is a San Francisco psychotherapist specializing in relationship and self-esteem issues for gay men. He writes a blog on these topics at http://gaytherapist-sanfrancisco.com/blog. Adam can be reached at 415-255-4266 or on his website at http://www.gaytherapist-sanfrancisco.com/.

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Same Sex Couples Can Avoid Unnecessary Problems By Getting These Documents In Order Now

Don't let the state decide your fate.

Recently a 37 year-old woman died of cancer and her life partner was left with a legal battle over her assets with the surviving family. This could have been avoided entirely by simply filling out a single legal form.

Most people don't want to think about estate planning, wills, beneficiaries, and LGBT and same sex couples fail to plan for the future to avoid nightmarish scenarios like life partners being denied visitation access in a hospital during one dying partner's last moments on Earth by the sick partner's family. Could you think of anything worse than being turned away at the hospital to see the love of your life while they are passing?

This could happen in a state where gay marriage is not recognized, but it could happen in any state where two same-sex partners are not prepared. Some states offer domestic partnerships to same-sex couples and several states have made it completely legal.

The states that allow gay marriage are Iowa, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, and Washington. D.C also allows gay marriage. Maryland recognizes out-of-state marriages but has no system for same-sex marriage itself.

The following states have civil unions which afford the same rights as gay marriage states: California, New Jersey, Oregon, Washington, and Nevada.

Since there's a lack of protection for LGBT couples, then they should do what they can to avoid government confiscation of property and assets.

Here's some action steps you can take to avoid a nightmare for yourself or your partner in the event of an accident or death:

Designate a beneficiary. Banks have forms where you can designate where the assets will go. Get a will for your pets. Ensure that any adopted children will be supervised by your surviving partner (if that's what you want) so that they do not become foster children under the state. Get an advanced health care directive from your doctor, which is like a health care power of attorney.

For allocation of real estate, property, and other financial assets, a will or living trust will be necessary.

These are all solutions that gay couples and same-sex couples can use to protect themselves and each other in the event of death or accident. The important thing is that you educate yourself now and make some decisions- get them out of the way, and protect the people you love.

Finally, with important documents, it may seem counterintuitive, but you may not want to put them in a safety deposit box because of the restrictions on accessing one during death or a period of disability for a partner. Get the documents and make copies of them and store the copies in an accessible place. Make digital copies. Then store the originals somewhere safe, with a trusted friend or relative in a safe where your partner knows the combination lock. Also, you can have the attorney who assists you with estate planning hold onto the originals.

Make sure to prepare for the future so that you are in control of your destiny and your partner will be cared for.

Visit a friendly LGBT Church Los Angeles. The Good Shepherd Church in Pasadena offers support and assistance to the LGBT community. More than one of many gay churches Los Angeles - it's a church for everyone.

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