Homophobia literally means a fear for homos, in this case homosexuals, but that is not what the word stands for in our culture. In our time homophobia refers to a range of negative attitudes against the LGBT community in its totality; it stands for discrimination, hate, aggression, dehumanization, fear, negativity and anger against us. Often these negative attitudes are based on urban myths like the idea that gay men will rape straight men or worse, molest small boys. The fact that most rapists and pedophiles are straight does not change anything; like all myths these ones are not interested in facts.
Hetero-phobia was coined by homophobes claiming that they are not against homosexuals as such but against a group of homosexuals that threaten their heterosexual society by asking for a few basic human rights. Asking for equal rights to get married in this perspective are threatening the existence of the heterosexual family and everything it stands for. Hetero-phobia is therefore just a silly term coined to use against basic rights for homosexuals.
Academically interesting as the definitions above might be, it is definitely not what this article is about - luckily not. This article is about the effect that the above have on the families involved.
Dearest Mom & Dad
I am writing you a letter because I want to say a lot of things before you start to ask me questions, get mad or start crying. Don't worry it is not something you did, nor is it something that I did, It is just something that happened and I am still trying to figure it out; I really hope you could help me with this.
Mom, Dad; I am gay.
I need you to stay calm, I really do. I have read everything I could lay my hands on about homosexuality. You could say that I am now an expert in the field, so let me tell you what I have found. Please give me a chance to tell you the whole story, but first, an introduction:
Firstly I want you to understand that this is not something you did. Mom you did not make me gay by being over protective and Dad you did not do it because you could not always be there. Dad, an extra football, cowboy clothes or course in mechanics would not have changed anything; not letting me help you in the garage is not the reason. Mom, teaching me to cook was not the reason; letting me help you in the kitchen when I did not want to help dad in the garage did not make any difference.
Secondly you need to understand that this is not something I did. It is not because I hang around with the wrong friends because friends can not make you gay. It is not because I was playing with girls as a kid or playing with the wrong boys when I got older. It is not because I went to the wrong places, stayed away from church or because I did not like the pastor.
Mom & dad, I am not gay because you or I did anything wrong; I was born this way. If you do want to blame someone for this, I guess you could blame God and no, I am not judging God or making fun about Him. I am just explaining to you that if God created me, then He created me like this; created me gay. I am also not angry at Him for this. I really enjoy being gay and I think it is because He made me like this that I enjoy it so much. I am really thanking Him for making me gay because I would not like to be anything else. All the people who really went into this topic will tell you that a person does not choose this; you are born gay.
Do you know how I know this to be true? I know this because I realized I was different long before I knew what homosexuality meant. I always liked boys more and when the boys started to like girls more, I still wanted to stick to boys. In the gym when the boys had to change their clothes, I could not stop staring. Do you remember in grade 8, when Joe stole his father's porno and we watched it on our television? All the boys went mad when they saw the first naked woman in that movie and I could not understand what they were raving about until the first naked man appeared; the moment I raved about him my friends looked at me as if I were mad. There is so many other stories I could tell you about this, but we can talk about them another day. All I wanted to show you were that I was gay before I even knew what being gay really meant.
I guess I could have made this easier for you by telling you face to face, but I was really too scared of what your reaction would be. Do you know how scary it is for a kid to ponder on the idea that his parents are going to throw him away? Do you know how scared I am at the idea of losing you, being rejected by you or never being able to be held by you? It is, without a doubt, the scariest thought a sixteen year old boy like me could ever have. I beg you to try and understand; I know how difficult it will be, but remember your acceptance of my sexuality will always be easier than the rejection the whole of mankind is going to put me through. Please do not reject me and please do not stop loving me. I promise you that if this were merely a choice, I would have never made it. Why on earth would anybody knowingly choose to be hated by 80% of the population?
Your loving gay son
(Luckily for me I never had to send a letter like this)
Andrew Blade is a founding member and sex-therapist at the Cobra group. His specialty is gay and lesbian sexology. You could read more of his articles on:
http://www.facebook.com/cobragay
or
http://www.cobrahelping.blogspot.com/
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